I know that the authoritarian discipline style doesn't work on my kid. I know this. And yet, for some reason, I still try to use it. Mostly when we're in a hurry or it's important to me that something be done as quickly as possible. Of course, the result is always the same: defiance. She usually listens pretty well when I speak to her in the same tone I expect her to use toward others (i.e. polite). She is not a defiant child in general. However, she is very stubborn and independent, so whenever I attempt to exert my authority in a manner reminiscent of a drill sergeant (or maybe a strict schoolmarm would be more accurate), she rebels. This, of course, becomes a battle of wills that quickly spirals into a total loss of control, usually on her part (though plenty of times on my own, as well). 

Last week, we were supposed to have dinner with some friends. She enjoys going to their house and has no reason to delay going there; however, from the moment I walked in the door to pick her up after my class, I began barking orders at her because I wanted to get there as soon as possible. Mommy fail. Her stubborn streak immediately kicked in and within a few short minutes escalated into a full-blown tantrum. I attempted de-escalation tactics, but she was hot and tired and hungry and nothing I said made a bit of difference once she was already in her behavioral downward spiral. She fought me every inch of the way from getting shoes on to walking out the door to getting in the car and buckled, and even after we got home; I had to physically move her anywhere I wanted her to go, with her fighting me the whole way and screaming like she was possessed. At several points I was positive that her head was going to turn all the way around and I'd soon be drenched in split-pea soup (yes, it was that intense). I'm sure with all the dragging and screaming it looked like I was kidnapping her (I'm so glad I didn't get pulled over on the way home).

Once we were home, there were fewer distractions. She continued her tantrum in the chair I sat her in, but after a while she just cried. I came and sat across from her, waiting for her to calm down more so we could talk.

"I think...I'm going...to throw up," she wheezed in between heavy cry-breaths. "And...my throat...hurts."

I got her a cup of water and some tissues, sat back down, and said, "Sweetheart, the reason you feel like that is that you've been throwing a fit and crying and screaming. The screaming hurt your throat, and the hysterics made you feel like throwing up. You'll feel better after you're all the way calm." She wiped her eyes and nose, took small sips of water, and sat. She was still crying, but no longer tantruming.

After a while, her breathing evened out a bit. "I still feel sick."

"Drink some more water and take a few deep breaths," I told her, "you'll feel better soon. I'm glad you're finally calming down." After she'd fully stopped crying, I asked her why she was so upset in the first place.

"Because I thought you didn't love me!" She started crying all over again.

"Oh, honey," (I felt so bad), "of course I love you! But when I tell you to do something, I need you to do it. I just wanted you to get ready so we could go to our friends' house."

"I'm sorry Mommy!" she sobbed. "I want to go, I'll listen, I promise!"

"It's too late," I told her as gently as I could. "It's going to be bedtime soon. We can go another day."

She wailed inconsolably. "But I want to see them, I miss them!"

"Sweetheart, you've been out of control since I came to pick you up. You wouldn't have had any fun if we'd gone because you were too upset. We'll go another night." In hindsight, I should have apologized to her for my rude tone. I want her to be polite and respectful to others, even when she's upset herself, which means I need to show her how to do that. Unfortunately, it's a skill I'm still working on myself when it comes to parenting. Mommy fail again. Still, an apology from me probably would have gone a long way in driving home the message that it's really not okay to use a rude tone of voice (yes, I consider authoritarian order-barking to be rude; it tends to breed resentment, not respect -- at least, I tend to resent people who bark orders at me in an authoritarian manner, and I suspect that many people feel the same).

The old "do as I say, not as I do" idiom is bunk. It holds the child to a higher standard than the adult spouting the phrase holds themselves, even though the child has less experience and therefore fewer resources to draw upon, especially when under duress. I feel this philosophy very strongly, yet I struggle to live it. Guess I have my work cut out for me, as far as parenting is concerned.